I’ve been pretty open about my recent decisions to change how I consume cannabis. As someone who consumed multiple times per day for 20+ years, I was really good at being what they call a “high functioning stoner”. I did well in school, finished my PhD in 4 years, worked out almost everyday, and rose to prominence as a cannabis researcher and policy expert. Smoking was my method of choice and living in Northern California, I had no issues acquiring the best flower in the country, maybe the world. Sounds like a dream, right? Well, for a while, it was, until it wasn’t. I turned 45 in 2021, and, for me, things began to change.
Growing older is a metamorphosis, for your body, your mind, your priorities and your outlook on life. For women, the decade of the 40’s is, well, interesting. On the one hand, the lack of shits given and dissipation of caring about how people view you is a source of relief! But, you also start to notice changes in how your body processes things, from exercise to intoxicants. For me, this meant that my cannabis tolerance took a huge nose dive. I was always known as someone who could smoke even the most avid consumers under the table. My tolerance appeared to have no limits, and, like someone who can eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce, I never worried about over consuming or experiencing a negative effect from using cannabis, no matter how high my dose. Suddenly, that just wasn’t the case anymore. Cannabis started to be unpredictable, and while it mostly still made me happy, sometimes it made me anxious, or depressed. That’s when I knew it was time to re-examine my relationship with the plant.
In January of 2023, I took a month off from cannabis. It was TOUGH, not gonna lie. I had withdrawals. Nothing like you see on TV when a character is getting off of heroin, but I was irritable, had no appetite and had trouble sleeping. Thankfully, these went away after a couple of weeks. Learn more about that here. After a month I went back to it, determined to change my use patterns. And at first, I did. I only consumed after 3pm, waited 3 hours in between sessions, and took 2 days off a month. But, as the year went along, I found myself falling back into old habits: wake and bake on the weekends, multiple sessions in a row, and the feeling of using cannabis as a habit, and not as an occasion. So, in January 2024, I decided to take 3 months off, to really give myself time and distance from cannabis. My 3 months are up today! And here is what I learned.
We do a terrible job talking about substance use. “All use is abuse” thinking has resulted in the widespread labeling of any substance user (save for alcohol) as an “addict” and the stigmatization that comes along with that. People should feel empowered by the decision to change their substance use patterns, not ashamed of it. This all or nothing framework was fueled by the demonization of cannabis and those who use it by prohibitionists, and the activist-based claim that it was the cure for everything. Of course, neither of those things is true, but it has prevented a pragmatic conversation about moderate cannabis use and addressing risk. So, here is the truth. While cannabis “addiction” may not be the right way to describe my relationship with it, there were a few markers that my behavior shared with this diagnosis. First, I craved cannabis and needed access to it like a security blanket. When I traveled, I made sure I had it with me, and made sure I was able to consume no matter where I was. Secondly, sometimes I used more than intended. I might tell myself, I am only going to have one bowl tonight, but I was not able to stick to that. Third, I found, over time, I needed more in order to get the same effect. My tolerance was increasing. Finally, my consumption had sometimes become mindless. I was doing it just because it's what I always did, not because I had a specific intention.
I was a regular cannabis consumer for 27 years, since I was 20 years old. That’s more than half my life. And, because of my lived experience of prohibition and my role in the industry, cannabis consumption was a part of my identity. During prohibition, being a cannabis consumer was like being part of a subculture. We had our own lingo, traditions, behaviors, and finding other consumers was like finding a member of the family. After all, we were all breaking the law, and that created a bond. And being in the cannabis industry is like being a part of a club that only you and others in it can really understand and appreciate. This club membership is celebrated with cannabis events, holidays, and seshes. But it also assigns “cannabis consumer” as part of your identity. This can make it hard to disentangle who you are inside from who you are as a cannabis consumer. Losing a part of your identity can make you feel lost. Student athletes may experience this when they spend their entire lives playing a sport, and then, after high school or college, it ends. Like, who are you if you are no longer this? It was something I grappled with at first, and something I am still navigating. Being at industry events, everyone is lighting up afterwards or sharing edibles, and right now, I am not a part of that. It doesn’t mean I can’t socialize, but it feels different somehow.
When I stopped using cannabis, I also stopped watching TV and scrolling social media. I realized that these three behaviors, for me, formed a kind of avoidance triad. I have never been good at being bored. My brain works overtime, so when I don’t have anything to do, I can get lost in my own head. For a long time, watching mindless TV, consuming cannabis and scrolling social media were an antidote to my overthinking. But after engaging in the triad, I was left feeling depressed, disconnected and antsy. So, I decided if I was giving up one part of the triad, I should try giving them all up. I switched to reading, which, while also a good way to avoid my own brain, is a much healthier alternative and has made me fall back in love with books! Healthy and balanced substance use is a function of both set and setting. Cannabis + TV + social media created a set and setting that was not serving me or benefitting my mental health, so I knew I had to address both in order to break free from that.
Like I said at the beginning, I have been very open about my journey with cannabis. As a result, I have been approached by dozens of people who are also looking to change their relationship with cannabis, whether that means abstinence, cutting down, changing their patterns of use, or changing up their method of consumption. Like me, they are turned off by the traditional “addiction/recovery” paradigm. And like me, they support legalization and do not view the plant as bad or dangerous. So, to meet this need, I am creating an online program for people who want to re-evaluate their relationship with cannabis. Part mindfulness practice, part harm reduction and part cognitive behavioral therapy, Cannabis in Balance will be self driven modules covering the examination of use and intention, supporting the change in behavior, and integrating new use patterns in a way that increases the chances for success. I plan to launch a pilot in the coming months for a group of beta testers who want to examine this relationship and are willing to provide feedback on the program. The modules will be free to those who will help me make it better! So, if you are interested in participating, reach out at amanda@mypersonalplants.com! I still believe that cannabis is one of the most beneficial plants on the planet. As humans, we have shared thousands of years of our history with this plant. But, if we want to keep this relationship going in a positive direction for the next thousand years, it is important that we maintain balance, and not succumb to our current societal ways of mindless consumption.
